


What is and might be.

by venom_for_free



Series: Past/Present/Future [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: (un?)requited love, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Canon-Compliant, Drama, Emotional Hurt, Fix-It of Sorts, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstanding, Pining, Post-Canon, but first-more pain, happy ending-but you gotta work for it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:27:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25530568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venom_for_free/pseuds/venom_for_free
Summary: It’s weird to be stuck and agitated all at the same time. Yuri wants to run around, to pace across his room like a tiger in a cage, but shit. At the same time, he knows he needs to sit his ass down and focus on the things in front of him.He isn’t very good at analyzing things, at least not if they aren’t skating. Skating is easy because the rules are easy. Friendships on the other hand … he doesn’t know which actions give him plus or minus points and when they count double. He just knows what he did is worthy of disqualification, and that is exactly what Otabek is going for right now. Yuri can’t let that happen, though. He can’t. He refuses to lose the one friend he made for himself in this weird world, deliberately forgetting that he already lost him and that it is completely his fault.--or: Part Two of "What could have been but wasn't.", for those who want to suffer some more and work for an eventual happy end.
Relationships: Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky
Series: Past/Present/Future [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1849843
Comments: 31
Kudos: 57





	What is and might be.

**Author's Note:**

> Guys, girls, non-binary fellas.  
> A lot of people asked for a second chapter to "What could have been but wasn't."  
> Since this turned out to be a bit bigger than estimated, it got its own fic.  
> This is a fix-it concept, so it doesn't make much sense without the first part.  
> It is still full of pain, so get ready for more angst.

It’s weird to be stuck and agitated all at the same time. Yuri wants to run around, to pace across his room like a tiger in a cage, but shit. At the same time, he knows he needs to sit his ass down and focus on the things in front of him. 

He isn’t very good at analyzing things, at least not if they aren’t skating. Skating is easy because the rules are easy. Friendships on the other hand … he doesn’t know which actions give him plus or minus points and when they count double. He just knows what he did is worthy of disqualification, and that is exactly what Otabek is going for right now. Yuri can’t let that happen, though. He can’t. He refuses to lose the one friend he made for himself in this weird world, deliberately forgetting that he already lost him and that it is completely his fault. 

Objectively, Yuri has two options now. One: let Otabek go and cling to his ego, keep wallowing in self-pity, and ruin his friendship, the season, his life. Looking at it like that really doesn’t make it sound too appealing. Or two: Get Otabek’s number back, and text him to come over and talk. Because there is no way in hell Yuri will text him through his socials. What if Otabek blocked him? What if the message gets drowned out by fans texting him? What if he doesn’t check his accounts? It’s been a while since he uploaded anything. 

Yuri shakes his head. No. He needs something else and he needs it fast. Taking his phone into his hands, he scrolls through the contacts marked down as skaters. He needs to find someone close enough to Otabek to be willing to help him, but not so close that they might know about the fallout. But Otabek is a very stoic person. He likes to keep to himself. The smile that only ever takes place in his eyes, never on his lips, rarely charms anyone. So Yuri doesn’t exactly have the entire world to choose from. 

There is Leo, who he shared a rink with in America. But they are actually close. He might have looked at Otabek’s profile and realized something is wrong, and the last thing Yuri needs right now is someone asking stupid questions. The other option is, and he can’t believe he is considering this, Jean-Jaques. But what else can he do? 

Yuri plucks his phone out of his pocket and stares angrily at the tiny device. Somehow, it’s the phone’s fault for actually allowing him to delete Otabek’s number. But no. He shakes his head. For once Yuri has to take responsibility for his actions or lose his best friend. “Okay, fine. Here we go.” 

It dials. No reaction. He can hear it ring, but JJ—the fucking idiot—doesn’t answer, so Yuri is already over taking responsibility. It would be easy to toss his phone right now, but that won’t help him, and for once, he has no time to dip into the anger he would like to wallow in because he has something important that actually needs his attention. 

He dials again, two times more, then he hears Isabella’s voice. “Yuri? Are you okay? Jean is on the ice. What is going on?” She knows heaven and hell would not be enough to make him contact the Canadian asshole. Under normal circumstances. 

“Yeah. Peachy. I just … listen. There was an … uhm, technical error. I lost Beka’s number. Send it to me.” He bites his lip and remembers that she is not her useless fool of a husband, so in his stress, he does something uncharacteristic. “Please.” 

A soft gasp from the other side of the line. “So you CAN be polite!” She is laughing, apparently in a good mood overall, as if this isn’t the worst day on earth and as if his life isn’t falling apart. 

“When I want to be,” Yuri growls the words out and they sound a lot more like him now. She snickers, but then reassures him that she’ll send him the contact info. Yuri hangs up with a sense of pride. He did that. He got up and called and made an effort and actually took care of a hard situation, and now he will get his best friend back and everything will be nice. 

When his phone beeps with the message containing Otabek’s contact information, Yuri realizes he hasn’t done anything at all yet. 

Nonetheless, he saves the details. He is not going to let Otabek slip away again. For a while, he ponders texting. It sounds like the easy way out. Which is kind of convenient. But not what Otabek deserves, and hasn’t he decided to try and go for the responsibility-route? He has to call. So he does, curling into an anxious ball on his bed. If Otabek could see him, he would probably laugh. Pathetically swaying back and forth. Yuri looks ridiculous, he is well aware, thank you very much. But this needs to be done and he has to do it the right way or it will hurt him—them—forever. 

So he dials. 

Nothing happens. 

He dials again. 

Nothing happens. 

He dials again. 

The call disconnects. Otabek hung up on him. 

And okay, Yuri knew objectively that the conversation would hurt. But he expected an entirely different kind of hurt. And then less pain and then happiness and then it would be okay and he would have him back and—

His thoughts are torn into shreds of what could have been memories but will stay wishful thinking now. He is too late. Or not? There is a text. Yuri stares at the name on the screen. Oh god. How much he missed this. Six letters shouldn’t feel so good. Five? Yes. ‘Davai’. Or seven. Like ‘Skating’. But six is new. Six is also old. Maybe one of his oldest happinesses, except for his grandfather. He wants to click on it, he really does. He wants to already have clicked on it. To already know what Otabek has to say to him. But it’s scary. Yuri suddenly remembers he hung up. The thought was pushed from his mind for a moment, drowned out in the bliss that is this name on his phone again, but now he remembers and he dreads opening the message. But there is no way around if he actually wants this to work. So he clicks on the text. 

**Otabek**

**_“Sorry. Busy packing.”_ **

It’s a slap to Yuri’s face because, holy shit, three words after three months. It’s not what he imagined their friendship reunion to be like. But it’s what he has right now, so he better make it work because there is nothing else left he can do. 

Yuri doesn’t call back. Yuri doesn’t text back. Yuri grabs his jacket and his shoes and almost falls down the hallway as he tries to slip both on while he is hurrying to the door. He nearly crashes into one of Lilia’s flower pots, and he isn’t sure but that might have been a snicker from one of the stuck up ballerinas, but he couldn’t care less. 

Key. Phone. Wallet. 

Yuri is out of the door within three heartbeats, total. Lilia calls after him, but he has no time to waste answering. He wasted three months. 

Left, right, straight up to the corner store that sells Otabek’s favorite comic series, the nerd, and—Yuri comes to a sudden halt in front of the store window. He is eye to eye with a giant Tibbers toy. It’s half his own size, and maybe he can find a little Annie. Yuri himself has never played League of Legends. No time, no interest. But it is one of Otabek’s few guilty pleasures and a nice way to spend time with Leo. He isn’t really good at it, but that’s not the point. He enjoys it. And Yuri knows the story behind the little girl that plays with fire and her giant teddy bear that protects her. His gut clenches. He is going to buy the fucking thing and if Otabek throws him out later, he will at least be stuck with a giant plushy of one of his favorite characters. So even if he leaves, he  _ has  _ to take a bit of Yuri with him. 

Ten minutes later, and Yuri runs the next two blocks to make up for the time he wasted. It’s worth it, even if the people stare at the young man with the two big toys. Fuck them, fuck everyone. Just not Otabek. No one fucks Otabek. 

Yuri comes to a halt in front of his apartment block. Good thing he lives so close. He wants to barge through the door, throw the plushies at him, and then himself, but … Yuri suddenly realizes there are not one but two doors between him and his goal. Otabek will have to let him in for his plan to work. Fuck. 

But because the gods are kind, a woman opens the door to the street and walks out, staring strangely at him. Yuri doesn’t care. He catches it before it can fall shut and hurries inside, taking two steps at a time. His lungs burn. What month did Viktor say it was? He actually should have trained more. Fuck yet again. Why had he not done this three months ago? 

Because of the girl. Right. 

Yuri shakes his head when he stops in front of his friend’s door. No time to think about the ghosts of the past. He holds the bear up to the peephole and rings the doorbell. Only once, but quite insistently. 

Yuri hears steps on the inside, Otabek without a doubt. He knows his walking patterns. How on earth had he thought he could live without him? 

A pause. Yuri hears him exhale languidly behind the door. He is worried. Is Otabek safe in an apartment with doors that thin? How has he never noticed? But then, his thoughts end abruptly, making room for emotions only when there is Otabek’s voice. Too sad. Too small. 

“What are you doing here? You should go.” 

Yuri’s entire body is on fire, but again, it is not the kind of pleasant, warm burning he expected. It is scorching him, eating him alive. “I was gone for too long.” He doesn’t know where that answer comes from, but he is somewhat proud of it. Otabek hesitates behind the door. Yuri feels it. It’s as if the other man’s emotions seep through the cracks in the wood and bleed into Yuri. He is trembling, just a little bit, trying to hold on to what he knows can be. “Beka. Please.” 

No answer. 

The seconds trickle by. The silence remains. Yuri is not ready to give up. Yuri Pisetsky doesn’t give up. At least not twice on the same person, not on himself, not if it is so important. 

He places the two plushies in the middle of the hallway. Otabek watches him behind the door. Yuri knows. When they are seated, well visible through the peephole, he walks back to the door and stares at the space he knows Otabek occupies. Yuri whispers an “I’m sorry,” and turns to the side. He hates how final this feels. But he still walks to the staircase. It was his fuck up. And he has to respect Beka not wanting him around. 

Except, he doesn’t. Because it’s a shit decision and Yuri can’t fucking let him make this mistake for both of them, so he waits, outside of his field of view. 

Another few moments of silence, the door opens. Otabek steps out and Yuri’s heart lunges in his chest at the sight. Holy shit. Are those tear tracks? He didn’t hear him cry. Otabek hasn’t noticed him yet, stumbles forward, hugs the bear. Yuri watches him cradle the toy as if—oh god. As if he is someone from another country, stranded in a place without family and friends, all alone for months. 

Yuri’s entire body tightens. He wants to run. Otabek deserves real friends. Real happiness. People who won’t abandon him for petty shit. But Yuri can’t, physically can’t, turn away. Not again. So he steps forward, slowly, quietly. He positions himself between Otabek and his door, and Yuri knows it’s a shitty fucking move to lock him out in the hallway with him, but he is beyond caring. He can’t let Otabek go back into the apartment without a conversation. Yuri sees now how much they both need it. 

Then, he waits. And it takes an ungodly amount of time for Otabek to turn back, but when he does, he startles enough to fall over and onto the plushies. He looks like he has seen a ghost and maybe he has. 

“I thought you … left.” 

Yuri bites his lip, nods, just a tiny bit. “I thought the same. About you. Right now, not when— well actually, then too, but—” He is a mess and he stops himself before it can get any worse. “I’m here to apologize. And you accepted my gifts. Now you have to listen to me.” He tries to look tough, but he knows he is just a pouty child demanding to be heard by parents discussing more important matters. 

“Now I  _ have to _ listen to you? After you ghosted me literally out of nowhere, I  _ have to _ ?” 

Oh shit. He did not take this the way Yuri meant it. That has been a problem of his since he can remember having conversations with people. Fuck. “No, that’s not what I mean.” 

“Then let me go back in.” 

“I wanna come.” 

“Too bad.” 

Yuri’s bottom lip trembles. He’s not crying. He will not cry. He is a grown fucking man and he will not cry in the middle of some goddamn apartment hallway right now, this is not happening. His exhale is shaky, half anger at himself, half frustration. A hundred percent fear and pain, and alright, that is not how math works, but who can blame him? His whole life is crumbling in front of his eyes right now. “Beka—” 

“You don’t get to call me that. That is a name for my friends.” 

It’s a verbal bitchslap, hard enough to make his physical form step back. Yuri’s head is swimming. He is dizzy, body tingling unpleasantly. Is this what dying feels like? “No …” 

“Yes, Yuri. I am …  _ so done _ .” He shakes his head now, stands up. The bear remains on the floor. “I ran after you for years. And just when I thought—no. No, Yuri. Thank you, but no.” 

He swallows. What is he supposed to say to that? Yuri can’t leave. He hasn’t known it until now, or maybe he did and didn’t want to accept it, but Otabek is one of the most important parts of his life. It’s like skating is being ripped from him, an injury making him incapable to be close to what he loves. But it’s not a broken ankle, it’s a broken heart. Yuri shakes his head. “I will not run again. I will not let  _ you  _ run again.” He turns towards Otabek’s flat and walks in, slowly. It’s a decision, not an act of provocation and he hopes Otabek understands. 

But the man is at his side in a second, pushing him against the wall of his hallway, hard. Doesn’t matter. Yuri is in his apartment, his life. He shakes his head at Otabek. The hold hurts, but Yuri welcomes the pain. It brings proximity. It distracts from the dying creature inside of him. 

“You will not just walk back into my life as if nothing happened! You don’t get to ignore me for months, disappear, not answer my texts and calls, not come to the door when I ring your bell for the hundredth time—and then show up as if all I did doesn’t matter, but a fucking toy is enough to make it okay again if it just comes from you!” 

Otabek, as a rule, doesn’t curse. Otabek also doesn’t say more than ten words at once, max. Otabek doesn’t get angry and he doesn’t yell and he also, now that Yuri thinks of it, doesn’t get physical. So this isn’t Otabek anymore, and that leaves him with only one conclusion. Whatever his idiotic streak was to Yuri … It was not the same to his former best friend. It broke him in a way the other doesn’t understand. Not yet, not ever if Otabek gets his way. 

Yuri looks at him, truly looks at him. At the big, brown eyes so full of hurt and anger and betrayal, and all he wants is to make it okay again, to soothe the ache he caused. But Otabek won’t let him, Yuri is sure. So he swallows. Tilts his head and forces himself to look into Otabek’s eyes before he lowers his head in shame. 

“I love you.” It fills the silence like nothing else. “I’ve always loved you, I think. Since Barcelona, anyway. I’m sorry for not noticing you before. I wish I had. I wish I could have been you the friend you deserve from the start, but apparently I can’t even be that friend right now.” He shakes his head, doesn’t dare make eye contact again. Otabek stopped breathing, Yuri doesn’t want to see the contempt on his face. 

“I love you and I always have, and I know this isn’t what you wanted when you went into this friendship because … I don’t even know why you wanted to be my friend. I’m terrible. And I hurt you. I’m sorry about that. But I couldn’t help myself. I love you so much it hurts me every day, and I wanted to be there for you and be happy that you found a girl, but I—”

“Hold up.” Otabek takes a deep breath. In, holds it, out. He blinks at Yuri. “What do you mean, I found a girl?” 

It strikes Yuri as weird that, from all his dumb monologue, this is the part Otabek wants to focus on, but fuck it. He is already at it, pouring his heart out, why not take a bigger vessel and go all the way. “I saw you in the club. When you … I saw you. Your first night in the new club. I said I couldn’t come because I wanted to surprise you, but I was there and I saw her. Bringing you a drink, hugging you, kissing you—” 

“Stop, Stop, Stop.” Otabek backs off a little, raises his palm. “I haven’t kissed anyone. In forever.” 

“Forever, like, three months ago?” 

Understanding dawns on Otabek’s face and his jaw drops. “You … ghosted me … because you were jealous?” 

He can’t stop the angry heat running all over his body, tinting him a dark shade intense enough for the other kids to mock him in kindergarten. Yuri envies Otabek’s skin. It doesn’t betray his emotions in the same way. Since his body answered for him already, Yuri nods. 

“Where? When? What exactly happened?” 

And so Yuri tells the story of the club, the low lights, the pumping bass. The music was excellent, of course, Otabek was in control. He tells him about the writhing bodies, about the people praying to their god of a DJ and about Yuri in the middle, hoping against hope Otabek would spot him in the masses. Then, the girl. Bringing him a drink, kissing his cheek. 

Otabek’s eyes light up. He nods. “She is the girlfriend of our bartender. She is also a lesbian.” 

Yuri blinks. The world stops. 

He sees Otabek raising his eyebrows, an uncharacteristically expressive gesture for him. Worry flickers across Otabek’s face, and Yuri thinks that it is weird because ... why does he suddenly look worried? And why is he moving his lips so weirdly? Yuri frowns back when Otabek slowly tilts to the side and his eyes go wide in understanding, a second before his head slams into the floor. 

It’s dark outside when he comes to it. He is in Otabek’s living room, a blanket thrown over him. Otabek is nowhere to be seen, but Tibbers and Annie watch over him, so that helps. For a while, Yuri stares at his hands and tries to comprehend what happened. 

He lost his best friend for months, maybe forever, because a lesbian kissed his cheek. He tries to let that sink in, but Yuri can feel the thought slamming into a barrier in his mind. It’s too ridiculous to fathom. Then, Otabek is suddenly back with two cups of tea and his presence seems to fill the entire room. Maybe because it is otherwise almost empty, save for the boxes stacked on top of each other. 

“Hey there.” Yuri nods at him, careful. He’s queasy with shame and regret and, strangely enough, excitement at the sight of Otabek. “Are you feeling better?” Yuri confirms with another nod. Of course being able to sit upright, seeing and hearing clearly felt better than fainting in a hallway. God, he must have looked like a fucking idiot. Otabek nods, too. “So. You really ghosted me for three months because you were jealous of …?” 

____________________

"Don't. Please. Just don't. Didn't I humiliate myself enough?" Yuri wants to hide under the blanket, but it's not his place, not his blanket, not his home. So he stays where he is and looks at the man he loves so much it hurts. It hurts for other reasons, too. 

Otabek looks back, his lips pursed a little. The fire in his eyes seems to cool down. Yuri watches him lean back and sigh, chest heavy with emotions. He would love to be unconscious again. Otabek didn't seem to hate unconscious Yuri so much. He got a blanket and tea, after all. 

"So … what now?" Yuri blinks, hopes he’ll get the answers he needs so much. But the chances are fucking slim because honestly, at this point, what does he even expect? By now, Yuri is aware he fucked up beyond repair. He's aware Otabek will leave the fucking country because Yuri threw a three-month-long toddler fit, and nothing he could potentially say will ever fix that. So he waits. Maybe Otabek has something to say. 

But all he does is cross his arms, then uncross them and gesture around. "Now I'm leaving."

Yuri's lip wobbles dangerously before he bites it. "Why, though? Why would you leave? It's …" That's when he realizes  _ 'going to be okay' _ won't work this time. So instead, he shakes his head, tries to ease Otabek's tension. Tries to placate him, Yuri guesses. It doesn't work, either. "You don't have to leave." The words are tiny. Yuri is tiny. He wishes he could shrink into a pea-sized version of himself and disappear into the floorboard. Maybe a merciful bird would shoot down from the sky and eat him. His chances aren't too good for that, though, because he is neither able to shrink, nor could any birds enter through the locked windows. 

Fuck, Yuri wants to tear his hair out when he realizes his brain tries everything to distract him from the necessary conversation at hand. That's exactly how they ended up here. Yuri got lost in his own brain for three months. 

It's Otabek's voice that startles him out of it. "It's too late, Yura. It's … over." 

There is a burning knife in his guts and Otabek keeps turning it, every word coiling his intestines tighter around the blade. Yuri can't stop the tears, doesn't want to. Otabek deserves to see them after all the months Yuri hid. His best friend deserves to know Yuri cares. "Where are you going, then? Vitya said … Kazakhstan." He sniffles, but what does it matter? 

Otabek's nod is slow. "Yeah. Almaty, probably." 

"Probably?" Yuri's spine tickles. Is that hope? He can't be sure. If Otabek doesn't know yet, not really, maybe there's still a chance. For this. For them. 

Dark eyes pin him against the sofa. Otabek doesn't want to talk about it, Yuri can feel it. He's not forgiven yet, even though his former best friend isn’t trying to kick him out anymore. "I … don't know yet. Not for certain." 

"Then," Yuri tries to formulate his thoughts, waves his arms around, "why are you packing? Where are you going, if not Almaty?" 

Otabek gives him a cold look. "To my girlfriend." Yuri's mouth is very dry. His chest caves, a sinkhole in the space his heart should fill. But there's a smile in Otabek's eyes, even if his mouth doesn't move. "Yeah. No. That was payback." 

Yuri's eyes widen. Did he just … make a joke? About  _ that _ ? He reaches behind himself, grabs a pillow, and tosses it at Otabek, who catches it with ease and holds it to his chest. This time, the smile reaches his lips. "Do you think that's funny, you fucking—" 

"Do you think what you did was funny to me?" 

Yuri huffs. "So we are good now? That's it?" 

Otabek answers him by shaking his head, but there's still some playfulness lingering in his expression. "No, Yura. You and I won't be good for a while." 

He tips his head. It's understandable, but it still hurts. Yuri grabs another pillow and pressed it to his chest before lifting his gaze back up. Slowly, carefully. 

"But you'll keep letting me try?" 

"Huh?" 

"To make it up to you? You'll keep letting me try?" Otabek wants to speak, but suddenly Yuri is afraid of the words that could come out. "You said for a long time! That means I can keep trying! And when the long time is over … I can … I might …" That's when he remembers he confessed to his straight best friend. Maybe that's why Otabek is uncomfortable. Yuri snaps his mouth shut so hard, his jaw clinks. Otabek notices the pained cringe. 

"What?" 

"I confessed to you." 

Pause. Silence, as they both try to figure themselves and each other out. They don't speak for a moment, seizing each other up, both raising and lowering their walls a few times as they try to figure out how the fuck to approach this. In the end, it's Otabek who simply says "Yeah." 

Yuri nods. That’s probably his cue to leave. But at least he knows now, at least he wasn't a coward for once, and at least when Otabek is back in Almaty, once he gets to Almaty—Yuri notices a strange expression on his friend's face. His brain is obviously working, trying to come up with god knows what kind of answer. Yuri isn't sure he wants to hear it, all of a sudden. Maybe, if Otabek is so far away, losing him again will hurt less. 

But just when Yuri clears his throat, wants to get up, tries to leave because all of it is too much and crashes down on him, Otabek grabs his wrist. So Yuri stops. He doesn't know why. But he stops. Maybe because he can't run again, not when Otabek actually tries to keep holding on. "Beka, I—" 

"I love you, too. I always loved you. That's why it hurts so much. I just … Yuri."

He's rooted to the floor, unable to leave, unwilling all of a sudden. This is new information. He doesn't understand, but holy shit. Yuri is just grateful he waited. Grateful he came. It makes no sense for Otabek to love him, none at all, but at the same time, it makes perfect sense and Yuri melts under all those thoughts. He can't keep his mind clear for a second, even if he tried, which is why he doesn't understand what he even wants to say once he blurts it out. But there it is, a thought presenting itself to the world long before the speaker is ready. 

"Stay with me." 

Otabek swallows audibly. Yuri sees his throat bob, and it's not fair how beautiful he is, even when he's that affected. "I can't." Of course he can't. Because he doesn't mean it. Because he never meant it and—"That's not it!" Yuri didn't even realize he started talking until Otabek defended himself. He clears his throat, tries again. "Yuri. I want to be with you. I always wanted to be with you. That's why I came here. But … I already canceled with Yakov. I will be kicked out of this apartment in a week. A month earlier and I could have changed things, but now it's too late and—" 

"No." Yuri stubbornly shakes his head. He doesn't accept the truth as what it is. He will bend it if he has to. "I love you and you said you love me, even though that's a terrible choice, and… I won't let you go. Not again. Not ever again." He pushes his bottom lip out. It's childish, Yuri knows, but it doesn't stop him. "If you leave, I'll come with you." 

Otabek gives him an owlish stare, shakes his head. "Yuri, you can't—" 

"Yes, I can! I did everything wrong I could during the last few months, but starting today, I will—" 

"You can't leave Russia!" 

"THEN STAY!" Yuri didn't realize he started shaking until they stare at each other in silence. Eventually, Otabek seems to cave. He dips forward, head stuck between his legs. For a moment Yuri wonders if he's crying, but when he comes back up, he looks okay. "I'll talk to Yakov. And you can stay with me. Please, Beka." Yuri's voice is small, just the tiniest bit of hope shifting it from desperate to urgent. 

"I don't think staying together is a good idea." Yuri feels another hit to his gut, chest, back, everywhere. He's on the floor. Why does it keep hurting? Otabek seems to read his expression once he looks up because he winces and hides again. "I wouldn't … be able to keep away from you." 

Deep breath. Yuri swallows what feels like stones but it's only resignation and worry. There's a little more air in his lungs as he whispers, "I don't want you to keep away from me. That's why I'm here." 

Otabek gives him a long look. His eyes search for something Yuri doesn't know yet. Then, he exhales slowly and gets up, sitting down a moment later next to Yuri on the couch. He extends his hand, palm up. Yuri locks their fingers together, stares, waits. It's painful, but it pays off. Otabek takes another deep breath. "Do you really think we can pull this off?" 

"It can't be that hard if the two idiots managed it." 

Otabek looks confused. "Marriage?!". 

But Yuri shakes his head, sits up, and squeezes the other's hand again. "No. Love." He smiles and turns to Otabek, surprised when he realizes the other did the same. "I didn't want to hurt you. I was just … Scared." Otabek nods. He gets it. Yuri knows he gets it. Because Otabek is an all-understanding saint. Even when he's angry. "I thought you … I’ve loved you forever. But I thought you don't like me like that." 

"What gave you that impression?" 

How does he explain that? Yuri draws his eyebrows tight, reflects on it, tries to actually understand. He doesn't know. Shit, he really doesn't know. What gave him the impression? Because if he's honest with himself, looking back, it has always been them. So there's just one answer. "I think I did. I think I … couldn't believe you really wanted me? You're this grown-up, motorcycle-riding, music-making, hero persona. And you're, like, really cool. Not even stuck up. It's unfair. I just … what would someone like you want from someone like me?" 

It's a bitter pill to swallow. Maybe it was never the girl in the club. Maybe it was insecurity all along. 

Otabek seems to sense it, somehow. "I looked up to you. Even as a child, you always were better than everyone. You broke records left and right, despite not living an easy life. You're so strong. You've never been anything but strong in my mind. How can I not admire you?" 

Yuri swallows. There's no need for his best friend to be so kind to him. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Still, Yuri prays he won't stop. "I … I really mean it, Beka. I can't lose you again. You're the thing I like most about myself. You should have seen my life without you. It's not …  _ nice _ . And before you say something … I've seen your social media. And I will never believe I'm even the fifth coolest thing about you, but you seemed to … not really be full of sunshine and flowers either." 

Otabek's stoic mask slips into a tiny smile. He raises their hands and kisses them, before Yuri suddenly jumps up, filled yet again with the restless energy of a task in life. But this time, he feels hopeful. They have to start carrying things over to Lilia's and he doesn't care at all if she likes it or not. She was berating him all throughout the last few weeks about losing his passion and having to find it again, so all of a sudden, the next step seems clear. 

He gives Otabek a watery smile, hand extended towards him, towards them, towards a possible joint future. 

"Are you coming or not?"

**Author's Note:**

> You may now yell at me. ♥  
> Thank you for reading and commenting, the reactions to the first part made me incredibly happy.  
> Almost as happy as Taedae, who edited this for me ♥
>
>> Thank you so much to everyone who is kind enough to read, kudos, or even comment! ♥  
> I'm also on  
> [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/venom-for-free)[, Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/venom_for_free/) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/venom_for_free)


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